The patented Evil Twin #1 "Run away" move

I have no idea who actually reads these posts, but I assume for the most part you, readers, are friends. Some of you may know that I went on my first date, ever, a few weeks ago. (This is not counting the time I went to the junior high semi-formal with Eric S.) How does someone become 29 and never go on a date? It was not easy my friends, but it definitely helps to be socially retarded when it comes to boy/girl relations. I did not realize people still dated, as I kind of thought people just hooked up nowadays. And to that end, I am also completely oblivious to the fact when I someone is hitting on me, or I am completely unable to hit on someone. It is unfortunate, but luckily for me I have friends who are willing to throw a little advice my way.

On my first date ever, I went to a bar/restaurant with a nice elderly gentleman, who asked me out after meeting me at another bar. Normally, I would not accept, but I realized not accepting is part of the reason I had never been out on a date. We had a very pleasant time talking about life, work, family, friends, interests, etc.. At the end of the night he offered to drive me home, and I accepted. (I had done a thorough background check on the guy, and interrogated mutual acquaintances we had. Boston is a very small town.) When we got in front of my apartment building, he made an attempt to get out of the driver's seat, I think to go around the car and open the car door for me. I, however, preempted any such gesture of chivalry by hopping out of the car. I thanked him for a lovely evening and then bolted for my front door. In subsequent phone conversations with this man, he did mention that he did think that was an odd move and that perhaps in my future dating endeavors I should limit myself to a jog instead of the dead sprint.

I obviously did not pay attention to his advice, as this weekend I went out and repeated the same thing. I went to a house party and when I decided to call it a night, a very nice boy said he would walk me out of the building. He held my jacket and I slipped my arms through the sleeves. We got outside the the front of the door of the apartment, when there was an weird lull in our conversation. So I told him we should catch up some other time, told him it was unnecessary for him to go down only to walk up to get back to the party, and then proceeded to flee down 3 flights of stairs at warp speed.

After I recounted these events, to Evil twin #2, A, and my sister, all of came up with the same reaction. "What the hell is wrong with you?" It was general consensus that I just needed to deal with the moment. Go in for the kill if I like the guy or fend him off, but either way my bolting was NOT the right move.

Seeking a little solace, I decided to divulge my story to my mother, during our weekly conversation. My mom is 5 foot and weighs 90 pounds. Although her stature may be slight, she rules with an iron fist of passive aggressive Catholic guilt. (Thank god she is also technologically challenged and therefore will never read this entry.) So when I told her this latest story, I was sure she would agree I made the right decision.

Mom: Why did you do that?

Evil twin #1: No, Mom. I don't think you understand. Things have changed now a days. That awkward pause means you are going to have to kiss the boy.

Mom: Why did you run away?

Evil twin #1: Mom, did you kiss Dad on you first date?

Mom: When I was 29 I was married.

This conversation was obviously not going anywhere, so I began talking about school, my Dad, my five million cousins etc.. At the end of all of my phone calls with my mother she always ends it with, "Be good. You know what to do." And I always answer "Work/Study hard, eat right, and take care of myself." Except this time she added, "And, Evil Twin #1, stop running away. Okay?"

Okay, I will try my best everyone, but it will be sad to lose my trademark move and a fantastic source of aerobic excercise.