Crazy, stupid, or fearless call it what you like, but it is a quality I think I have in spades. For the most part being fearless has served me well, today, however, not so much.
I got in a minor argument about science with a junior professor, who was clearly wrong and taking the whole thing way too seriously. Which was unfortunate because I was feeling ornery and I too took it way too seriously. I made once well thought out ideas into an angry mess of words. While most students defer to their elders, I refused. The discussion ended when, the junior professor stamped her little feet and said "I'm finished," as she gave the universal "talk to the hand" signal. We had an awkward ride on the elevator together along with the stunned people who had witnessed all of it. Feeling bad that things got out of hand, I sent a nice little apologetic e-mail and spent the rest of the afternoon getting my blood pressure back to normal. I, also, spent much of the afternoon conflicted between being indignant to being horrified I wasted energy on this incident.
Much later in the day after the argument, a bunch of us got together to send off the boy, on whom I have a crush, off on his globetrotting adventures. It was a nice group outing as we all bantered, nibbled on appetizers, and sipped pints of beer. Now, leading up to this event, I spoke with much bravado about how this was going to be the night when I make my move. I had nothing to lose as I probably would never see him again. I was going to be fearless.
Here is how it played:
8:48pm He comes into the bar. Sits next to me at table. I say "hello" and can think of nothing else to say.
9:00pm He moves seats to better see the Celtics game. Sitting directly across from me. I avert eyes and talk to friend sitting next to me.
9:22pm He gets up to go to the bathroom. Tempted to follow and accost him in the hall for a one-on-one situation. Instead, I continue to talk to friend sitting next to me.
9:36pm He inadvertantly mentions girl he is dating is 5'2". Girl he is dating? what!
10:12pm Celtic game is over. Fun conversation between whole table starts.
10:31pm He leaves the bar to make phone call. I wonder if the call is to that girl he is dating.
10:38pm We all get up to leave. In order to have some contact with him, I carry his backpack out to him. Phone call with mystery person is over.
10:40pm See bus I was supposed to take home speeding away. Gives me an excuse to follow boy and his friend to the bookstore until the next bus comes. Ditch friends to do so, even the nice australian girl I invited to come hang out with us.
10:45pm Enter bookstore. Act nonchalant by going a separate way to browse at books.
10:47pm Give nonchalant up as time is running out. Start by helping him find a decent book on modern China. Other friend nowhere in sight. We giggle about silly book titles.
10:50pm Still frantically looking for a book as the angst ridden twenty something girl informs us that the store will close in ten minutes. Judging books by their covers. Internal thought: are we flirting?
10:56pm Other friend comes to help, but makes sarcastic comments instead.
11:00pm Bookstore closing. Boy still looking for book. I need to leave to catch bus. I shout "Have a safe trip, Boy," as I run outside to catch the bus.
1:10am I write an e-mail to the boy to please remember to send post cards and give work address.
1:12am Regret not giving home address. Regret not giving good-bye hug.
Guess I am not so fearless afterall.
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