1) Internet shopping. Otherwise you can be the proud owner of 6 X 1 lb bags of gourmet heirloom beans (even though you don't cook), a meditation bracelet, an assorment of japanese beauty products (the most odd being something called UV cut sleeves. sleeves to wear to prevent your arms from tanning when you drive), tickets to see Lillith Fair on a weeknight, a dress that make you look like an Air France stewardess, and 8 paperbacks from your Amazon suggested reading list.
2) Texting, calling, emailing, or smoke signals of any kind. You can be perfectly sober, but the late hour will alarm every one who will assume you are wasted.
3) Talking to your plants. Perhaps you will get caught by one your neighbors who is trying to calm a fussy baby, and forever get weird looks from him.
4) Watching television on Youtube. TV shows on Youtube are divided into 10 minute segments so constantly need to click on the next scene. I am sure there is a way around this, but perhaps with all your advanced degrees, common technologies befuddle you.
5) Cooking. It is possible that everytime you cook, you set off your smoke detector, which in turn wakes up your neighbor that has a newborn.
6) Going for a walk. Say for example, you live in Baltimore, and you discover that there are a lot of shady dealings going on late at night. And you see a guy flashing his girlfriend's butt to the whole street. Then he signals to you, and you have no idea how to respond but to wave hello.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
TV without a television review
How is it possible to fritter one's life away on TV programs without owning a television set? It is kind of easy. My poor computer is completely overloaded every day by hours of streaming video. I worship on the altar of Hulu for providing me my shows. And yay for Hulu because you can watch it without actively fiddling with the computer. CBS, CWTV and TNT really suck in comparison, although strangely Lifetime.com is pretty good.
Another quirk about my television addiction is that I love horrible horrible horrible programming. This love translates into watching a lot more "alternative programming" provided in the summer and winter and less content during the normal season. Case in point: I am currently watching a lot of shows on the USA network, which are not good enough to compete either on a major network, nor during the normal season.
So here is a list of shows to be watching off season in order of my "enjoyability" factor:
Justified (FX/Hulu.com) - The 13 show season has already ended, but it was great. Think of Walker, Texas Ranger but with a much cuter lead actor. Everyone speaks in slow soft drawls, both calming and scary all at once. A must see!
Leverage (TNT/tnt.tv) - Heist movies are the best. Heist television shows comes to a close second. Every week this team of misfit Robin Hoods pull off the impossible. Think the A-team minus the guns.
Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime/Lifetime.com) - Okay. I can't believe I am watching this show, and even worse, liking it. Aspiring model dies and is reincarnated into an overworked lawyer with Margaret Cho as her assistant. Think Heaven Can Wait and the Mary Tyler Moore Show with a chubby lead actress.
Burn Notice(USA/Hulu.com) - I sort of find all USA shows sort of interchangeable. Wisecracking, a little bit of action and Gabrielle Anwar rocking a bikini like no forty something should. Think Mission Impossible minus the government and a more violent version of Peter Graves.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox/Hulu.com) - This would be ranked much higher if Alex Wong did not get eliminated so early on and if Mary was still judging. Think American Idol but less bitchy and more talented.
White Collar (USA/Hulu.com) - Matt Bomer. Am not sure what the show is about, except to look lovingly into the eyes of Matt Bomer and imagine our beautiful mix raced babies. Think Matt Bomer in incredibly well tailored suits.
Honorable mention goes to Minute to win it (NBC/Hulu.com) as long as you can scroll over all the human interest parts and just watch the challenges. Honorable mention also goes to Memphis Beat (TNT/tnt.tv) with Jason Lee being a little overly quirky, am not sure if it will get stale quickly.
Disappointments have been a plenty this off season. Eureka (Syfy/Hulu.com) is no longer funny because there seems to be a loss of the science puns, and Psych (USA/Hulu.com), which has dialed down the wisecracking. Top Chef (Bravo/illegal torrents) has been lackluster as well.
So beat the heat, and be a pasty nerd clinging to your macbook pro like me!
Another quirk about my television addiction is that I love horrible horrible horrible programming. This love translates into watching a lot more "alternative programming" provided in the summer and winter and less content during the normal season. Case in point: I am currently watching a lot of shows on the USA network, which are not good enough to compete either on a major network, nor during the normal season.
So here is a list of shows to be watching off season in order of my "enjoyability" factor:
Justified (FX/Hulu.com) - The 13 show season has already ended, but it was great. Think of Walker, Texas Ranger but with a much cuter lead actor. Everyone speaks in slow soft drawls, both calming and scary all at once. A must see!
Leverage (TNT/tnt.tv) - Heist movies are the best. Heist television shows comes to a close second. Every week this team of misfit Robin Hoods pull off the impossible. Think the A-team minus the guns.
Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime/Lifetime.com) - Okay. I can't believe I am watching this show, and even worse, liking it. Aspiring model dies and is reincarnated into an overworked lawyer with Margaret Cho as her assistant. Think Heaven Can Wait and the Mary Tyler Moore Show with a chubby lead actress.
Burn Notice(USA/Hulu.com) - I sort of find all USA shows sort of interchangeable. Wisecracking, a little bit of action and Gabrielle Anwar rocking a bikini like no forty something should. Think Mission Impossible minus the government and a more violent version of Peter Graves.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox/Hulu.com) - This would be ranked much higher if Alex Wong did not get eliminated so early on and if Mary was still judging. Think American Idol but less bitchy and more talented.
White Collar (USA/Hulu.com) - Matt Bomer. Am not sure what the show is about, except to look lovingly into the eyes of Matt Bomer and imagine our beautiful mix raced babies. Think Matt Bomer in incredibly well tailored suits.
Honorable mention goes to Minute to win it (NBC/Hulu.com) as long as you can scroll over all the human interest parts and just watch the challenges. Honorable mention also goes to Memphis Beat (TNT/tnt.tv) with Jason Lee being a little overly quirky, am not sure if it will get stale quickly.
Disappointments have been a plenty this off season. Eureka (Syfy/Hulu.com) is no longer funny because there seems to be a loss of the science puns, and Psych (USA/Hulu.com), which has dialed down the wisecracking. Top Chef (Bravo/illegal torrents) has been lackluster as well.
So beat the heat, and be a pasty nerd clinging to your macbook pro like me!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Just the facts
Last weekend, Evil Twin #2 and A came to visit me in Baltimore. Here is a summary of our weekend.
Food/drink consumed:
- Pit beef and pit ham sandwiches and sides.
- Beer.
- French pastries.
- Crab cakes, raw oysters, chicken wings, and soda
- cookies.
- hush puppies, beer and el Jimador.
- MD steamed jumbo crabs and steamed corn.
- melon popsicles, peaches, blueberries, and mayo tomato sandwich.
- deep fried oyster mushrooms with cheese hot sauce and mesclun, apricots, meat on a stick, thai tea.
- green papaya salad, fresh rolls, and valicious pork.
- beer.
Sites visited:
- Illusions
- The Cop Shop
- Enoch Pratt Public Library
- Baltimore Cathedral
- Lexington Market
- Edgar Allen Poe's grave
- Annapolis
- 5 general stores
- Baltimore Farmer's Market
- Wegman's
Number of times ET#2 was asked to go to the stage as part of a magic act: 1
Number of Bear traps on that magic stage: 5
Number of borderline/closeted men we met: 2
Number of crab themed children's shirts purchased by A and ET#2: 5
Most awkward moment: Three of us eating french pastries while browsing through the guns and other police items sold at the cop shop
Most phallic thing purchased: pink pepper spray
Most missed item: CD with John Hodgeman saying "CRABS!'
Least delicious item tasted: el Jimador
Thanks, ladies for a fabulous weekend.
Addendum
I drove out to see B, in Frederick, on Monday.
Food consumed: 1 large hawaian pizza loaded with local pork products. beer.
times we laughed about something nonsensical: 4
Times I got lost in the dark: 2
Food/drink consumed:
- Pit beef and pit ham sandwiches and sides.
- Beer.
- French pastries.
- Crab cakes, raw oysters, chicken wings, and soda
- cookies.
- hush puppies, beer and el Jimador.
- MD steamed jumbo crabs and steamed corn.
- melon popsicles, peaches, blueberries, and mayo tomato sandwich.
- deep fried oyster mushrooms with cheese hot sauce and mesclun, apricots, meat on a stick, thai tea.
- green papaya salad, fresh rolls, and valicious pork.
- beer.
Sites visited:
- Illusions
- The Cop Shop
- Enoch Pratt Public Library
- Baltimore Cathedral
- Lexington Market
- Edgar Allen Poe's grave
- Annapolis
- 5 general stores
- Baltimore Farmer's Market
- Wegman's
Number of times ET#2 was asked to go to the stage as part of a magic act: 1
Number of Bear traps on that magic stage: 5
Number of borderline/closeted men we met: 2
Number of crab themed children's shirts purchased by A and ET#2: 5
Most awkward moment: Three of us eating french pastries while browsing through the guns and other police items sold at the cop shop
Most phallic thing purchased: pink pepper spray
Most missed item: CD with John Hodgeman saying "CRABS!'
Least delicious item tasted: el Jimador
Thanks, ladies for a fabulous weekend.
Addendum
I drove out to see B, in Frederick, on Monday.
Food consumed: 1 large hawaian pizza loaded with local pork products. beer.
times we laughed about something nonsensical: 4
Times I got lost in the dark: 2
Thursday, July 08, 2010
My mother is a covert operative
Russian spies, you ain't got nothing on my momma.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mother. She had a nice July 4th. My parents went to go hang out with my sister's family, it was my niece's birthday. My niece is cute. My niece still wants to be a scientist like me. Wouldn't it be nice if she could visit my children? She and Dad were tired from their trip, so they missed the 4th of July celebration. Morgan Hill had a parade for the 4th. Wasn't it nice to live in a small town like Morgan Hill? She wished she could have seen the parade. She did laundry instead. My Dad was outside. Did I want to talk to him? Oh he is busy. They are going golfing tomorrow morning. She just did laundry but has to do more. Golfing everyday produces a lot of dirty clothes. Maybe they will visit the Lao's for dinner tomorrow.
Twenty minutes into our conversation, I was lulled into a constant stream of "uh huh's" and "oh really's." I had a nice 4th of July. Yes, I really did teach a bunch of 5-8 year olds to light matches. Then I asked her a pretty routine question, "How much do I owe you all for gas this month?" My parents had given me their gas card when I moved to Baltimore. My dad, long retired, gets an employee discount from Exxon, but recently all the Exxon station in Northern California shut down. They said someone need to be using this discount, so it was my job to take it. Every month, I send them a check, and every month it never gets cashed.
But routine was broken a little this day. "Evil Twin#1, you work too much. You've been using less gas, and you fill on Eastern Ave. too much. I know that is convenient for you because it is close to lab. You are young, you need to go out more."
"Huh?" I said. But she remembers Eastern Ave. when she came to Baltimore. Did I remember the time we first saw the lab together. Wasn't it funny when Dad did not recognize the drug deal? Maybe they will come and visit again. Dad cannot eat crabs because they are too salty. She likes Dungeness crabs more than Blue crabs. Korean people though like to pickle blue crabs.
Sure she is in her seventies, but she still has some mad skills with the tracking and the distracting. Maybe Putin can hire her. I heard he has some openings in the KGB.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mother. She had a nice July 4th. My parents went to go hang out with my sister's family, it was my niece's birthday. My niece is cute. My niece still wants to be a scientist like me. Wouldn't it be nice if she could visit my children? She and Dad were tired from their trip, so they missed the 4th of July celebration. Morgan Hill had a parade for the 4th. Wasn't it nice to live in a small town like Morgan Hill? She wished she could have seen the parade. She did laundry instead. My Dad was outside. Did I want to talk to him? Oh he is busy. They are going golfing tomorrow morning. She just did laundry but has to do more. Golfing everyday produces a lot of dirty clothes. Maybe they will visit the Lao's for dinner tomorrow.
Twenty minutes into our conversation, I was lulled into a constant stream of "uh huh's" and "oh really's." I had a nice 4th of July. Yes, I really did teach a bunch of 5-8 year olds to light matches. Then I asked her a pretty routine question, "How much do I owe you all for gas this month?" My parents had given me their gas card when I moved to Baltimore. My dad, long retired, gets an employee discount from Exxon, but recently all the Exxon station in Northern California shut down. They said someone need to be using this discount, so it was my job to take it. Every month, I send them a check, and every month it never gets cashed.
But routine was broken a little this day. "Evil Twin#1, you work too much. You've been using less gas, and you fill on Eastern Ave. too much. I know that is convenient for you because it is close to lab. You are young, you need to go out more."
"Huh?" I said. But she remembers Eastern Ave. when she came to Baltimore. Did I remember the time we first saw the lab together. Wasn't it funny when Dad did not recognize the drug deal? Maybe they will come and visit again. Dad cannot eat crabs because they are too salty. She likes Dungeness crabs more than Blue crabs. Korean people though like to pickle blue crabs.
Sure she is in her seventies, but she still has some mad skills with the tracking and the distracting. Maybe Putin can hire her. I heard he has some openings in the KGB.
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