no means no!

An unfinished post from December, but it seems appropriate with the impending AFC championship game coming up.



I went to the bar across the street from my house 5 times last week. 5 times. That is excessive for even me. But somehow that is the way it worked. The bonus of my excessive patronage is getting to go to the Ravens game last night.

Being a frequent flyer at this establishment, means multiple phone calls and texts when there is something shaking in the neighborhood. Saturday night was one of the bartenders going away party. So even though I had been there Thursday night, I made it back for a few beers, and perhaps a shot or two or three which I just seem to be remembering now two day later. But in my slightly inebriated stage, I do remember listening to the owner of the bar (BO) tell how he just got dumped. Hmmmm so who was going to the Ravens' game? Even though it was S's (another frequent flyer's) turn to go with the owner, they all graciously gave me the ticket. Score!

The Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Baltimore Ravens was a much anticipated game. A fight for the division title, and a Sunday night featured game, I was one of 71,000 people pouring into M&T stadium. Pittsburgh and Baltimore have a deep seeded rivalry. Both are blue collar towns with dying industries. Both towns have weird accents. And most importantly, the towns are 3 hours apart; far enough for a rivalry close enough to visit for away games.


The night was cold and clear. I had to borrow a puffy jacket from my neighbor, who was perhaps more excited than I was. BO is a a big guy. He is 6'4 and my guess is he weighs about 250; maybe more. And I was lucky to have him, as he carved a way through the crowds.

BO has season tickets, which means he knows all the people who sit around him. Hmmmm. How do I say this delicately? I can't. Baltimore has a lot of white trash football fans. I mean very trashy. The lady sitting behind us passed out half way into the first quarter. Then her boyfriend had to take her to the men's room to throw up.

I thought I talked like a sailor, but I had nothing on these football fans. I heard enough homosexual derogates, cusses, and inexplicable sexual acts involving animals to last a life time. It also was a sport for all those sitting nearby me to lift me up. I think they found that entertaining. Big bear hugs to the strange Asian girl.

Throughout the game there were many fights. The most impressive being two guys going at it and no spilling a drop of beer. Truly amazing.

As for the game play on the field there was not much to write about. Just like the most recent playoff game, the Ravens were ahead and lost their lead in the second half. They played with no urgency. Every time Big Ben took the field, everyone shouted "No means no!" But sadly in the end, the Ravens got manhandled like a girl in a bathroom with Big Ben's bodyguards watching on.

Further confirmation ET#1 is a middle aged man

I have been balding since college. My ponytail has shrunk. Every night I lament the clump of hair caught by my special hair catcher on my shower drain that I bought so I can count the number of hairs I lose every day. I constantly obsess about my white scalp peeking through. And when I sweep my house, I contemplate super gluing the hairs I find back on my head. My stop gap solution (like any middle aged man) was to grow my hair long and hope that if I wrap my single strand of hair around my head enough times no one would notice.

My mother who was sick of hearing me complain about it, once took me to a Korean herbalist. He told me I had too much yang/heat in my body, and gave me a vile concoction to drink for 2 months. But alas, I am still balding.

My obsession comes with a lot of internet research. A few years ago Matt Lauer turned me onto this device. According to the segment on whatever news show he hosts, this thing was supposed to have okay results. Okay? Well, okay is better than weeping at my shower drain, or having horrible dandruff from the generic female rogaine I tried for 3 months. But here was the catch: $600 price tag. Was my vanity worth $600? Do I buy myself a laser comb before I buy myself a television? What was a girl with OCD to do?

Today as I was purchasing the last of the Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephew, I thought I deserved a bauble of my own. Over the years I had done a lot of internet research and realized that the Hairmax laser comb is just a few red LED lights.

In attempt to be frugal, I searched for other sources of red LED lights. I found a red LED lamp for 20 dollars. Wooohooo! How exciting. Finally, I was going to have luscious locks of hair spilling down my shoulders.

The catch on this endeavour: apparently the lamp I purchased is used to grow more buds on a marijuana plant.

I had images of myself being watched by the FBI a la "the Wire." Maybe they would think a new "player" was in town. Or worse how would I explain to the DEA agents that would breakdown my door, that the supplies I purchased via the internet was to grow hair not pot? I'll tell you all in 1-2 weeks when my lamp is delivered.

Why I love working with foreigners

In the world of science, I am an anomaly. Okay maybe that is not entirely true. I am Asian so physically I blend in really well. But here is how I manage to stick out: I was born in the United States, educated in the United States, and got my Ph.D. in the United States. Oh and English is my first and only language, a rarity in my workplace.

Subjects Americans find taboo are not in other countries, and they are horrified what we manage to say. Sometimes you get fascinating things told to you like today.

Indian Postdoc: So now that if they let the gay people in the military, will they have to create 4 separate bathrooms?

Evil Twin #1: What?

IP: Don't you have separate bathrooms in this country because of sexual modesty?

ET#1: Ummm no. I think it is because men are gross.

IP: Men are gross? no no no no no no. My wife tells me she cannot even go to the bathroom on this floor because it is sooo disgusting. And it is all women, right?

ET#1: Oh she is right, this bathroom is disgusting. But if men were allowed in it would be even worse.

IP: What do you mean? All my friends who are men have very clean bathrooms. Come to my house and you will see how clean our bathroom is. Men's public bathrooms are dirty because men urinate standing. But at home we sit down.

ET#1: huh? What? Most men I know urinate standing up. I know my dad does.

IP: Why would you do that? At home the seat is clean, and you do not have to touch your penis unnecessarily. When you stand up it is so unsanitary. Urine can splash everywhere. When we have male friends spending time at our house, I explain the sitting down, and everyone does it.

The conversation continued for a little bit, but I was blown away at the astute logic. Now I just wonder how many men would follow it....

Another one bites the dust

You get to a certain age, when dating escapades are no longer funny. I think I am at that age. I stopped telling friends and family when I am seeing a new boy because I don't want to tell or explain to them about the inevitable fall out.

So it was unusual when I told every one about the new boy. I had a nice feeling about him. Sure he owns several guns, he hunts, he has cats that I am high allergic too, it took him 6 years to get a communications degree at a liberal arts college I never heard of, he only owns the 5th best bar (ie 2nd tier) in Baltimore according to the Sun, and he smokes a shit ton of weed to clean his house. But besides all of his flaws, I genuinely liked him. He was sweet and brought me dinner because he knew I was always hungry. He called/texted me every night I did not see him, just to say good night. He remembered my love of ye olde people and drove me out to Harpers Ferry to see them. And when he gave me a hug, I did not object nor did I attempt to squirm away. Yup the boy made me all giggles and that is probably a sure tell tale sign that it would crash and burn.

On Saturday, he saw me run my section of the Baltimore Marathon relay. Then we went for a bike ride around Baltimore. We ate epanadas and split 6 of them evenly, 4 for me 2 for him. We saw some swing dancers on the Pier so we joined them for a few songs. We rode up to a Russian festival, and watched all the Russians with fascination. We rode to a helicopter pad (clearly his thing not mine) and watched a bunch of boughie people fly into Baltimore and get into limos. It was pretty fantastic. We went to go get beers, and a little pregaming before the Giants vs. Phillies game.

Here is where the bad news come in:
"Ummm Evil Twin #1, I am going to Key West on Wednesday."

"Oh really. Awesome. You are going to have the best time as long as you don't get stuck in a hurricane."

"I going with this girl I dated right before you. [long dating story but that can be summarized by he never broke up with this girl even though he thinks he did] Anyway we had planned this trip before I even met you. I just wanted to be honest with you because I did not think things would be going so well between the two of us. I mean you are great. [more long dragged on crap about why he might have some problems]"

"Excuse me [I say to the bartender], I am going to need a few shots of whiskey here. Neat and as fast as you can."

After this point much of the night was a blur. Apparently, according to my fave bartender I got belligerent, told every one in the bar that the new boy was going to Key West with another girl, and then proceeded to yell at the TV because I had no idea who Cody Ross was. I, also, allegedly told the boy that I could go home with anyone at the bar and how would he feel about that. Clearly, once again not my finest hour. But if you were going to out you should go out swinging.

On Sunday, I woke up with a massive hangover and ended up going to work, mass, and pumpkin carving with a bunch of inner city youths as a sort of punishment.

He texted me to see if I was alright:

NB: How are you feeling today? You were quite the handful last night.

Me: I had a productive day. Thank you for asking.

I talked to the other wiser Evil Twin, and she convinced me to talk to him while I was sober.

That was a disastrous 1 hour conversation. Let me disseminate the highlights:

He says that I am unreasonable to think he would even consider canceling this trip because plans were made before I met him. What is the big deal about him going, because he was not planning on sleeping with this girl. Why did I lie (on Saturday) about lining up a bunch of dates with better looking guys when he is gone? He should get bonus points for being honest with me because he could have easily lied about the trip. He will call me when he gets back from Florida, because hopefully by then I will be more rational.

I tell him, he is an ass. How does he not realize that this woman think that this is a romantic getaway? Being honest is the minimum you can do for someone not something for a bonus prize. I tell him thanks for exposing me to my biggest insecurity about being cheated on, I much appreciate that. Oh and have a great trip and I am saying this not because I mean it but because there is nothing left to say.

Back to the drawing board for this Evil Twin. Back to the dating and not telling anyone about it, because really it just is not funny anymore.